And I’m Back

I do thoroughly apologize for such a huge gap in posts, I have gone through the most eye opening divorce and self discovery these past few years and it has made me a stronger, wiser woman.

I was with a man who treated me like a contrat not a person, like his mother not a mother if his children amd my hands are no clean either we both could if handled things better but we are now more harmonious as co-parenters then we ever were as partners.

I am the one who finally threw in the towel, this upcoming Feb 1 will mark 3 years ago we called a truce and divorced to be better healthy people whom co-exist seperate sides of the state and co-parent with kids. It’s not always pretty, but it’s not as ugly either a muatual respect and communication which I have issues from time to time.

I could thrash me ex for alot of damage he’s done but it won’t heal me any quicker or give me that much more closure or karma.

I’ve tried my best to explain to my kids sometimes you love someone but not in a way you once did and that’s ok everyone changes and it happens it doesn’t mean you are less loved or to blame it means as adults we accepted it was not working and decided to be friends and find our own happiness.

I’ve had my anxiety come back as a result, single parenting smart curious creative divas is hard. Through a mutual agreement he has the oldest I have the youngest whom has an IEP for speech and some other delayed learning. Which is fine, since I am currently back at my mom’s house with one kid full time and the other every other weekend both are happy amd loved and don’t ask me to get back with their dad as much as they used too.

My soon to be 7 year old took it the hardest, she was 4 when we decides to just disassemble and divorce. The utter heartbreak of having these kids cry for daddy the first months after he moved out were heart breaking alot of snuggling, talking and reminding them they couldn’t have changed it and that we will all be a better stronger family.

So much to catch you all up on, will do my best to recall as much as possible. I apologize for any mispell my small hobbit hands on this phone app are still becoming aquainted.

So sit back and relax for some of these stories, they are true genuine and I simply cannot make this crap up.

Perplexed

These past two years after covid my oldest started to become unraveled, and I though it was because of social fistancing and not being able to see her friends however the truth was much worse.

My smart beautiful outgoing sassy kid, was slowly mentally checking out she changed in attitude and attire she became harder to wirk with gave her breaks hae’d find loopholes.

It was unrelenting, and as of recently it has begun to affect my own mental health. I am trying my hardest to reach out to her, to connect and I feel I am being called a liar or having money being stolen from me because she has this false sense of entitlement.

I took time off work to be home more to be present to be more accomidating and while she fought it that brought more issues via bills alongside it I have cut my 6 days work week to 3 days to try to help her services and such and it’s not working becauae she chosen to not move forward.

So I have decided to go back to work basically fulltime and stop burdening myself with her and trying to appease someone who could care less and just make enough to not micromanage for a single week on what is paid and whats not.

I’ve been busy, sorry for the wait.

I girl scout promise you, all the mentioned below is so very hilariously dramatically true I could not make this shit up If I tried. Also be warned this also has swears, because what’s swear words without some light cussing.

Last year prior to my 39th birthday, I started talking to this absolute sweetheart of a guy and we clicked like right away like instantly. We hung out the day after range golfing, so see how much of a threat I was. He suggested it since my awkward idea was to grab coffee and chat he went full send and was like how about golf at Richardsons. I agreed I liked for once I did not have to decide and was stoked to go see him, he got out of the truck and we met up at the front gate and he wanted to test how much of a natural threat I was. He had me in stitches, from silly dirty jokes about asking me to touch his basket of balls to complementing each others tries on horrible golfing.

I hate being on the phone unless necessary and the night before, we both talked on the phone for 4 hours like it was unreal. He did say some cute things like soulmates and such, and honestly I was like well now we have to hang out. I truly believe this guy was sent my by father, for when I least expected it something amazing came along from his angel ways to lead me to a guy whom has his head on his shoulders and is crazy over me and makes a perfect co-parent. I simply cannot say enough about him without glowing like I have literally waited 39 years for this man and I will never let him get rid of me I call him my husband and he calls me his wife like he gets it.

I cut off ties to another ex who was so heavy on manipulation, even though we dated 5 years I didn’t know him at all and the way he acted after we broke up was downright dirty and shameful. He told me we would end up marrying because I was his soulmate, shortly after he impregnated this girl whom he called his twin flame and married her, this is all true sadly. He also told her everything in our relationship I did wrong, which reminded me of that horrible one before him as well not that this was much better, I’m severely still traumatized and have ongoing things I will have to learn to relearn after all this but I found an equal after all of this an amazing cheerleader and a great best friend. I also remind myself it’s after going through all this disappointment I found my guy, and barely had any hope he was a good person looking for anything friends and has an onslaught amount of issues. He’s the exact opposite, my Marine is the best thing that I have come across and honestly I love him so deeply.

We have been spending time talking about a log cabin in the woods he wants to build himself, not only is he a marine he’s also a carpenter like a damn good master carpenter at that. The best part thus far, we do not fight we have small discussions or meetings of the mind, but no fights were just equally as passionate people who believe in discussing everything through in detail. He tells his friends we don’t fight as well, and his response was Is if we fight what that does is tear down all the love and respect, we built for each other. He quit smoking cigarettes this last week of May because I said besides camping, I want him to quit smoking for my birthday. and for the past 4 weeks he has vaped, and basically cried he wants a cigarette numerous times he’s a bit cranky but I am so friggin proud of him it’s not easy. I am reminding myself the kids and I are a lot to take in and deal with, and that he is human and is allowed to want to quit and want to start back up but truth is he needed to quit. But I stand strong and question his decision, and ask why what will it do you have accomplished so much from not smoking your lungs are basically full capacity and the coughing to the point where you gasp for air is down by so much.

As much as I love my small town, I am more than ready to leave and start a new chapter elsewhere possibly out of state. I’m ready to move on from all the horrible memories I’ve endured in my small town not from any fault of it’s own but it being so little it leaves very little to the imagination everyone knows everything even If they do not say anything. I want a fair fresh start somewhere it’s actually friendly, where I don’t have to stress over the kids afterschool and about going to work would watch the kids. Anything I once tied to this town has been begging me to no longer be here, I’m ready to make my piece with the past and set forth a new adventure where healing and family strength begins.

Small Recap

I’ve been home isolating in-between work shifts, I’m an essential worker so as the world shut-down it was still mandatory I work which is fine. However what is not fine is the complete lack of respect for myself and fellow co-worker but to each other.

Mask are state mandated but nobody wears them correctly, If it’s below the nose it’s just spreading more germs and putting myself and others whom have risk people at home in danger. I have seasonal allergies as well as asthma, so this COVID would severly inhibit my ability to care for myself and other family members I have at home with me.

By you telling me my job, let alone how lucky I am to be working is a crock because I had no control over your choice of the work you chose that may be shut-down right now. I have been in these trenches since day 1 where not only did you hoard tp but sanitizer as well and have been acting like unapologetic animals.

There are a few that thank us for being there and how brave we are, but we have bills and mouthes to feed so we have no choice essentially. I also have an crippling anxiety I’m fighting off even though I’m on the highest dose possible for it still cannot prepare me for the daily fights people decide I need to have like a 6 foot of seperation.

I’m tired, I don’t want to be there but I do it to help you out to make sure you don’t go without. Sure the masks suck, 7 hours in it can be maddening but we do it for the big picture. Slowly the world is opening up, and that is a good sign despite all the looting and choas there is still good in the world.

Today is supposed to be my 38th birthday, but since 2020 the leap year of chaos and destruction has begun I’ve written it off as a loss. So I’m essentially repeating 37 unless this year gives me a reason to do so otherwise.

This whole things thrown my mental health is a nasty spiral, I’m reaching out to the right folks to help get me back on the mend but I had an epic breakdown for 12 hours last week. It told me I need to slow down and although keeping busy is fine I’m running myself down. Which becomes a vicious cycle and a dark place to be, not a good thing to do in a maddening pandemic.

I miss my friends dearly, I literally miss karaoke my true therapy as well and all the fine folks with it. Ive been going to work amd home no in-between for 3 months basically it’s maddening there is only so much xbox and cross words let alone games of uno a person can do before it just breaks them.

I’ve also been doing a lot of writing, I believe enough to possibly even publish a book but I have to check pages because some have gone missing but since I wrote it ahould be easy to re-write I’m hopeful on that front.

Stay strong, you’re not alone. Despite how circumstances may seem, you’re so very truly loved and missed.

 

 

 

Bad News Bear

I had the worst gut wrenching bloating instinctual feeling of dread for this week ever, and due to recently I’ve been trying to feel it out and stay positive. Honestly had I of known how done and ready to quit everything on Tuesday I would of called out but I meed the hours. So sometimes we push on, before work I got into a text war with best friend and superhero. It ended up me crying and over whelmed, considering I had just left his house a half hour before. If you have a friend who’s in a relationship and horrible one that will not heed your advice but tells you she’s protecting you. That’s what stung the most, he didn’t even deny it I just sat and blinked slowly shutting down, because it just hurt too much. This is where the you need to call out moment hit, more subtle more needing I knew the night was going to end with me in tears just didn’t know how yet.

I went to work, good attitude and just trying to rearrange my mindset, this would prove to be futile in the rest of the poop hits the fan ordeal. First off greeting the bagger, he was already half way hostile and grouchy perfect remedy for the fudge show about to lead to an horrible end. I thought I saw him put a 6 pack og yogurt on bread, I asked to see the bag and he lost it and just flat out told me stop it, don’ t tell me how to do my job. Granted every customer we had since I started to complain he was doing it wrong. And then I was like I need. new bagger this one lashed out verbally, and is being unprofessional. It went ignored, so I did my job and ignored him till he went home. Oh the beauty of retail, it gets worse ever year. Then the later it got the more snippy customers got, granted there’s ate lines and people now sneering and eye rolling repeating to myself water off a ducks back. I was not prepared for the hail mary of all night, the final nerve of my night. In comes an older couple, calmly bickering I tense up about to get them started I’m immediately asked to smile, that’s when my brain shut down it was loud and it knew we were in trouble. I knew at this point it was going to be a personality clash and with it being so loud focused on the task. Well the husband tells me she has two weeks to live, I just have a deer in the headlights look I’m not a grief councillor only a cashier this is above my paygrade. He then yells did you not hear me she’s 49 and going to be dead. I respond sorry to hear, and then they both start to verbally lash out on me. I tried to relate and it was met with hostility because I didn’t smile. These fine people came in looking for a fight, they didn’t expect me to have a anxiety attack so major I was hyperventilating. Literally shaking almost not able to breathe they told me I need to take a break and not have such a nasty attitude. I repeated excuse me, you can wait for a manager he came over and I repeated I need to go home, went to customer service and I was shaking.

I went to the empty break room, to try to compose myself mentally destroyed and already dissociation myself from bad news earlier. They took that one glimmer of light I had, and just stole it over something as simple as a smile and then said I was rude tried to stand up for myself and they both yelled tell me Im rude. I thought they were kidding they were all in crazy.

I came back down my brains barely functional I come back down I’m almost in a ptsd shock tears streaming down my face everyone’s basically asking If I’m ok I’m not I’m not even able to walk hyperventilating and mild crying the third time I’ve ever cried in store ever. So everyone is aware of how blunt I am but when I cry it’s because I’m severely stressed and overwhelmed. I had to tell a manager the whole clash, I said it all happened because I didn’t smile so they found me to be rude im working like what would you like me to do it’s a half hour before closing g and Im told shes dying and I avoid contact after trying to relate and then bam Im rude. I felt violated, they made me feel less then human to relieve the bad news she was dying on a woman with her own battle going on. Manager said go in the break room, I said I already did and I just cannot work I need to go home I cannot function nor trust it wont happen again. I was sent home and told I hope you feel better. I already am sad due to the recent anniversary loss of my uncle around Thanksgiving these people straight up went for blood.

I went to work looking like complete crap, I wore my battle scars well everyone was nice for the most part very few hiccups and then after 9 hours after I fell apart I leave my keys in my car. I had to call my superheo and tell him I locked my keys inside my car. An hour rolls by, he comes by opens my door and acts as if was already open to mess with me I literally have my brain screaming is he serious, I went to look for my keys and the moved from an hour ago. Odd but ok, he unlocked it before I got outside in the rain. And then played stupid, I slapped him and said you jerkbag you know I cannot deal with this I asked for a hug he did gladly and started laughing he had it done before I got out there he thought it was funny set off a stress tick.

Welcome Summer!

I’m going to block my kids from downloading apps (hopefully) , and download smart educational apps for them both to enhance themselves this summer. After this attempt I also have to plan out a summer routine, and meal plan and confirm plan for a gathering in Maine. We have quite a bit of summer, for my girls.

Going to have my oldest start a summer journal, writing about how her summer was because she tends to say I did nothing over the summer because her memory span is not as good as it should be I want to prove to her her summers are amazing and keep a log of it to prove other wise. We also begin to map out our routine, and appropriate bed time for the monsters.

Today is the beginning of the summer, also the beginning of the acceptable season for drinking away the winter school stress. I’m not a big drinker, for more then obvious reasons.  But a pina colada, or jello shot will always be held as refreshing reminder I even need a break sometimes as well. I have to clean, cleanse and prepare for the upcoming school year as well. School supplies is supposed to be made known, today for this upcoming school year just checked and nothing yet so yay!

More to come later, bank trip for laundry money I know you’re all jealous.

 

 

Last Week of School

 

It is with a very heavy heart I post this, she’s been changing as she always does but with a less troubled heart. She’s happier, smarter and still trouble when she gets bored or too playful. But she’s a kid, I must remember this every time I want to scream and yell and were all kids at heart. She’s 7, she’s too smart for her own good, and this year she became my hero.

She keeps reminding me of how tough things are being little, and how I as a role model and mom can help her change her perspective. She tends to bring up, stuff that has been rectified at school I ask had it been taken care of she will usually say yes and then I tell her then there is no issue it’s been solved. She’s not to happy with that response, because she knows it’s right.

And my sweet little lovebug, next year she will be in school as her big sister will. I will be on the floor of my living room, trying to come to terms with my kids are happy, healthy, smart kids. Who choose fruit 2.0 over soda, who choose fruit over candy, (well most days) who love each other, and fight over toys because the oldest decided she did not want to share.

I am a better person because of my kids, they are a reflection of who I am and what I stand for. I do not encourage my kids to give up, I tell them to get back up and try again and praise them for tackling that hurdle. I’m not perfect, and I wonder daily If I’m a good mom at all. I take every tantrum and I hate you with stride, the worlds a big place, bigger then the imagination of both combined.

So love on your kids, watch their minds grow, because youth is too short and life is too long. Look towards the future, make peace with the past and always wear a smile.

 

 

Blah

The one day I have always been dreading

I’ve recently had the discussion of both my parents selling my father’s van, and then they were talking about selling my brother and I’s childhood home. Instantly my heart sunk, I’m well aware I truly have no say but it’s a place of mixed emotions. I’m glad they have finally come to the conclusion, the safest and healthiest bet for them both is to move and live more reasonably without an entire flight of stairs or two depending on what the task called for.  My parents have tried to update the house but it;s 114 and they have done so on limited funds and loans. But they have done their best, and it has come a long way from what it once looked like inside at least. Our part of the house, as well as the two other apartments underneath us as well.

It’s a smart decision, but an heartbreaking one at that as well. Someone will buy it, gut it and everything I do have for a memory will be a there but not as it would stand in my memories. It would not have the pee stain rug from my little pip squeak dog I adored so much, it won;t have the ceiling my foot went through from mis-stepping on a board and my foot almost going all the way through the ceiling thankfully not. All the dings and divots of scrubbing my childhood coloring’s behinds doors off as well.

The endless night of fighting with my parents, claiming they were ruining my life due to that one night where I could not go out because I had an family events / sports / dance that they had already said they were able to go too. My mother growing up worked as much as three jobs at a given time, to make sure my brother and I had everything we needed to be able to get the grades and be clothed and survive. She sacrificed her sanity, and time with us to make sure we were never without and that a trait I hope to instill in both my girls as they get older.

I wish she’d leave me the house, I’d find someone to go half with me and fix it up like I knew my mother had always wanted. She saw so much potential in the old colonial, so much that could be improved on the inside to keep it up to date and functional. I see it, I see the unlimited amount of everything it could be and I love it. I want to finally get a house so my kid can stop asking to get a house for the backyard because she feels she is missing out. It breaks my heart every single time I hear it.

I’d love to try to have a sit-down from it going on the market, I’d love to live closer to her school and have everything be more solidified with her and having more space and ability to have friends over. It would be more healthy for us all, more parking and such for us as well. I would only add an double stack to the upstairs, to save me the hassle of going down two flights of stairs for laundry. I have a short attention span, but when I do clean nobody is safe. I’m officer OCD, and this is what needs to be done and how it needs to be done.

 

One fish two fish, I can do this !

Were back in school, best season of them all were a good month into being back. They both have their activities and such, and were trying to reset from the long break of summer. We now have homework from first grade, the 6 year old is elated we’ve had one score of 90% on the first test then 100% since then and her reading is improving. She now has Spanish in her school as well, I had a slight disagreement with the school they said she had an horrible behavioral issues against 21 of her peers and she fell through the cracks.

She did amazing but after Christmas everything changed, she came home crying from school. She spent recess and lunch in the principles office, which she thought was an treat but I had to explain was not. She got in trouble for sticking up for herself, and fighting back from others trying to bully on her. She got in trouble, they called her a liar and they teachers were quick to side with the bullies. When we discussed her plan for next year, I got the paperwork and basically said they plan on giving her disciplinary actions which she does not need it’s not part of her plan at all nor what we agreed to.

I will never sign a piece of paper, sealing the fate of my kid when she’s young and impressionable. She’s eager to please, and love all her “friends” whether they are mean or not, we switched her to a private school which I as a parent always scoffed. She happier, we have some places were still working on and readjusting too but for thee most part my kid smiles coming home. She’s excited to share her work and day, and read to me her books and we work on new words. She loves how everyone dresses alike, and she simply loves Spanish class.

I’m taken this opportunity to home school the toddler till next year, colors, shapes, numbers, seasons. Most of all correcting her baby babble, half English half babble I barely can understand her but she tries. Pretty soon I plan on field trips for the toddler, to the orchard and farm to learn about animals and such. weekend I plan to incorporate family trip to somewhere else educations Boston museum of science and other fun places.They have no idea, and I’m thrilled to plan it out and surprise them as the season permits.

It’s going to be a blast……more later I’m being called by screaming kids….